Put your boots and helmets on...

It's been 5 months...

5 long months... From a stinkin recruit in BMT, to a worthless trainee in BSLC, and now i'm heading back to Pasir Laba camp, to begin a 2 month stint in ASLC, which basically is twice the shiongness of BSLC.

Right from when i heard my posting, my heart sank; and my mind was committed to doing one thing: to feign a back injury, to be deemed unfit to complete the course.

I knew what was in store for me: more outfield, more camo-ing, more shooting blanks, more chiong-sua-ing, more rifle cleaning, more live firing, more rifle cleaning, more navigation, more rifle cleaning, more area cleaning, more chances at being confined/sign extra duty, more tekan sessions, more marching, more late nights, more parades, more doubling around with aching legs, more route marches, more weapons training, more lectures, more morning 5BX and run... and much, much more...

So many hardships to anticipate... i was crazy with fear. I had to get out of this. My friend and I decided, we'll go to the doctor, get a specialist letter, and get OOC. We decided on the day and time and talked about how we'll convince the doctor to grant us the letter.

Before the day came, I went to church. On my way there, for some reason, I uttered a short prayer: "Speak to me Lord..."

You see, i've started BMT well enough... I read the Bible daily, prayed daily... But as the training progressed, because of my fatigue and my ill-discipline, i desisted from these activities. Slowly, i lost my identity and became like anyone else around me. Now all i offer to Him are just a fraction of what i am. I was wrecked with guilt and felt absolutely unworthy of approaching His throne. I didn't even believe in what i prayed.

Why We Need Him

That day in church, i heard a message on spending time with God. But of course, i was only half-present, the other part of me was still mulling on the complexity of my situation. I was feeling very sorry for myself, i was knee deep in self pity.

It was a relief seeing church friends, these were the people i grew up with, the sense of familiarity was comforting. I shared with some of them my situation and some of them tried to explain the merits of going through the course. My mind was closed then, i refused to listen. I am ashamed to say that i even asked them how to successfully feign my "back injury".

Sam said: "Ultimately, It's your choice."

Then i spoke to lois.

Lois... She sensed the pain in me... She wanted to understand what i will be going through.. She wanted to care... She listened intently as i related to her my military lifestyle. And i'm glad i talked to her.

She reminded me of so many things that i need reminding: I am a child of God. That I have my Christian identity through Him and that being a Christian is not a part-time thing: I do not choose to accept the blessings He gives me and reject the tests he puts me through.

Yes, God placed me here, in ASLC. It wasn't the SAF administration or whoever else, it was God. And Lois reminded me of the goodness and love of God. She reminded me that as surely as God has placed me here, He will be with me every step of the way. Everything that He does for His children is for their ultimate good, even if the test is trying, He will not tempt us beyond what we can bear.

Lois made me question myself: Could I physically bear the load of the training? Yes, yes i believe i could, it will be hard, there will be times where i'll be so tempted to give up, but yes... i could.

I was argumentative at first, my only interest was to earn her sympathy. We talked about doing the right thing. She helped me realise one thing: I knew what i was doing was wrong. That i wasn't too far gone. Something in me stirred: Is this how I want to live my Christian life? To be a child that runs to his Father for nice things and shies away when He wants you to do something?

She told me what a great story I would have to tell if i went through it.

I was struck.

i realized my attitude for my whole, entire life. I realized that i wanted life to be a bed of roses. I realized how little i wanted to learn, how little i wanted to grow. I shied away from all His lessons. Yet i know now He patiently waits yet again, for me to go through what he has to teach me.

There and then, i wanted to go through ASLC. I needed to. So that, when my 2 months ends, and when i graduate, I want to be able to say this: "I went in with God, and I came out with Him. He, who helped me in my every need. He, who talked to me when i was alone, who comforted me in times of pain, who encouraged me in uphill tasks, who laughed with me in moments of joy. God is there, was there, and will always be there; right beside me, holding my hand, loving me, talking to me..."

I was silent as all these thoughts struck me. I looked at Lois, whose love for her friends puts me to shame, and i smiled.

"Well, you're beginning to convince me..."

She was glad. So am I Lois. And I thank you for steering me out of the mess i would have entered. If it was not for you, I would be living a life of lie after lie after lie.. trying to prove i have a "back injury". God bless you, Lois.

The Committment

So here I am. One more day of rest before embarking on this course. Now and then, my heart is struck with a moment of dread of what's to come, but where i used to entertain these thoughts and have it ruin my day, now it's overridden by a sense of purpose.

I remember my Platoon Seargent from BMT. He gave me this advice: That we need to have a purpose in NS. Whether it is to have a fitter, nicer-looking body, or to train yourself in one way or another. You got to have a purpose. For him, he said, it is to glorify God and to show love to his men. What a way to stand out in a place so devoid of spirituality.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

How i need Him. And how He has taught me. Where i used to feel selfish for loving God only because He grants salvation, now i realize He gives you much more than that: He gives you a friendship that is beyond any other. He wants to grow you, and teach you, and to protect you.

Committments are tricky things. I am afraid to write it down for that will make it permanent: something that will be my burden. I am a man of many, many flaws, and laziness has always been a bane to me. But i must be impressed upon that we do not let life live us... That discipline must be kept.

In doing so, I shall committ to rising early daily, to read the Word and spend time praying. I will allow myself to be molded by God and have my purpose renewed by Him each day. I will be equipped by Him for what's to come and ultimately, to expect that our fellowship will be sweeter and sweeter each day.

I can't wait.