Growth...

Needless to say, every area in my spiritual life needs growing and attention. But, as always, I gotta take baby steps. I wonder, what is the one area of my life that needs growing?

I often go through life, especially in camp, without God on my mind. Why? I guess it's the emphasis I place upon Him. I don't prioritise him at all. He's often out of my mind. My lips can say He is important to me, He is my number 1 and all. But, truth is, I forget Him as soon as I reach a comfort level, or when I face adversity.

But still, the question stands: Why? I guess I just forget all the times He'd impacted me. It's like having a friend who has done you great favour versus a common hi-bye friend. Obviously, I'd think of the better friend first when I meet danger or have something nice to share.

Same thing, I forget what God has done for me. I know there are times when He has touched my heart. But I went ahead and forgot those times.

The one thing I need to do is to keep within my heart how God is like. I guess part of the underlying problem is also my lack of knowledge of God's character. He's like a friend I barely know, so I wouldn't want to open myself up to him or ask him for help, for who knows what he'd do? Or whether he'll help?

So that's the focus for the coming weeks: Understanding God and who He is.

She's been on my mind...

... what's new?

Well, today will be the last time in about 2 weeks that I'll see her.

I'm gonna miss her like I always do...

There's a certain selfishness to this bloody feeling. The ME part. I, I, I. Me, Me, Me.

I want her to hold, to belong to me.

I want her to talk to me.

I want her to adore me.

I want her to pay attention to me.

I want her to miss me.

And its just this feeling that makes me forget why I like her.

I wish very much to adore her properly. To respect her. To think of her as a sister-in-Christ first above all else.

It's this very human, very... male... part of me that screams at me to get things done now. Now, now, now.

But... I am glad I recognize that now. I know I always let these feelings get the better of me and I rush into doing something irreversible, and destructive.

I know she's a good person. She's still the kind and gentle person she is. But she is getting to be a tad serious, as in she doesn't have an outward appearance of happiness. I guess perhaps fatigue from work does that to everyone. But she does have the joy in the Lord.

Basically, she's a catch.

There's something about me. I'm not a good conversationalist. I'm not all that good in small talk. Only rubbish talk. Or insulting talk. I feed off people like Richard to gain laughs. Yes, it's a horrible truth, but its the truth. Its something I gotta deal with.

Muse is in Singapore today. And I'm gonna see 'em.