Faith

All we like sheep have gone astray. We have abandoned our shepherd and had chosen to go our own ways. Jesus' death is that bridge for us to return. So it is written, so they have spoken and so I have known. In my own ways, in personal moments, I have felt His grace and peace upon me, gently reminding me of who He is, urging me forward to trusting Him more.

How weak my faith is, that I always choose my way. In me, there is this certain forgetfulness of the God I am serving. Faith in God is essential. For I have nothing more than my hands and feet if I do not have God. And the wordly things are faillable. I have nothing else to place my trust in. Here is a God, who is willing, and open, to helping His people go through life with as much meaning and significance as He desires.

We often place our faith in the people whom we know. And to know God, is to read His Word, which exposits all the wonderful truths about Him.

God can be found. He is not elusive. He will draw near to you, if you do to Him. If we ask, it shall be given, knock, and it will be opened.

Seek and we shall find.

These earthly shells are weak and tainted. No longer should I trust them. Rather, may the Holy Spirit grant to me, grant to my soul the fruits of the Spirit, enabling me to live the life God wants me to. May my life be filled with thanksgiving and joy, may my heart always look to Him, be in times of peace or turmoil.

Basically, I need to relinquish control for ALL aspects of my life.

It is a practice, and it is a lifestyle. I must be consistent, I must be faithful.

"He will never forsake you, He will never leave you."

Heart to heart...

... with William Ng.

I poured it out from a heavy heart that lasted the morning and into the better half of the afternoon.

I poured it all out and I meant what I said: I like her for who she is. I like her for her godliness, for her goodness. I like her for her comforting spirit and her caring soul.

William laid it all down for me: She's gotta be a good Christian first, someone who loves God more than me. Check. She's gotta have a personality that I enjoy. Check. We gotta be comfortable as friends.

There lays a dilemma.

We always hang out in groups. Except for the odd sms, our exchanges are superficial at best. Are we comfortable as friends? I don't know about me, but I'm wierd around her. I mean, you can't help but be wierd around the girl that you adore right?

So why don't we hang out one-on-one.

First of all, what makes you think you can get her out alone?

Second of all, what's your objective for doing that? Sure, you get her all to yourself. No one's there to compete for her attention. But there are certain risks you face.

1. She has no one else to give attention to. You will start percieving that as something good, that you are winning her heart and whatnot. Truth is, SHE HAS NO ONE TO GIVE ATTENTION TO.

2. You will start wanting to advance the relationship beyond what it is now. Shall I elaborate? No. You know what I'm talking about. Of course you do. You're me. And you're insane.

3. The relationship MAY advance to something beyond what it is now. Which isn't what you intended do you? You want to seek God's guidance.

I think.... just chill. There's really NO NEED to ask her out on a date or anything like that. There are so many things you can find out just by being in a group:

1. What she shares. Her experiences and her thoughts. How did she react? How does she feel about someone or something?

2. How she talks to people. Her family, her friends, even to strangers. Do they differ? Does she treat her friends nice and her folks poorly? Does she have strong opinions about certain types of people?

3. And many more. (Yeah I've run out of reasons)

AND there are many questions I can ask her within a group and it'll sound completely platonic and reasonable:

- So what made you recieve Christ?
- How's Summer's walk?
- Her boyfriend?
- Your parents not Christian right?
- Were they OK with your being a Christian at first?
- How's your Dad like?
- Your Mum?
- You and Summer close?
- Your relationship getting better now?
- What made you want to become a teacher?
- I bet the kids are hard to handle?
- What kind of teacher are you?
- Any real problem child?
- And so on.

It's also time to rationalize how her character and your character can click.

And please, be objective.

First, to describe her. First impression, she's a little quiet, a little ditzy. She's really not mean to people. And she really has a heart for God. She's sporty, she's one of the three girls that joins us for sports. And she enjoys doing sports on her own time as well. She has a heart for children, evident from her blog, her being in kids camp, her being a teacher. She seemed to have an... exciting past. She really pulled off that ah lian look. She looks like she clubs every weekend. Tongue stud. Wow. She's quite the introspective girl. As ditzy as she may be, she seems to think alot about her life and where she's going with it. This again is evident from her blog.

*Interlude*

Yes i know, it's kinda... unreliable to judge a person by his/her blog. But then, it is A LOT of words. That makes sense when read together. These are compositions of well-thought-out thoughts. So there.

*Commercial break over*

And now, me.

I'm an idiot. And yes, i'm being very objective. OK, being fair to me. I have a sense of humor that is best describe as needy and awkward. I thrive on bullying the weak and the clueless. I am lazy. In my head, I know there needs to be a lot of important things to be done. But I just don't get around to it. I'm a pessimist, I live in negativity, I don't believe in positivity as it never prepares you for the impending hardships of life. I constantly stunt my own growth, be it spiritually or vocationally by sucummbing to my lackadaisical approach to life. I'm a Christian that lives on Christ just for His blessings, recieving which, I forget about Him and go on with my life, until the next hurdle comes my way I begin to lament on the dubious presence of an invisible God. My faith is ever shaken, is ever trodden, is the seed laid amongst thorns. My sense of urgency is irrelvant in my principles. I have the innate ability to be lazy when opportunity is shoved down my throat. I'm never serious when it is appropriate to be so. I'm a curse to everyone around me. I'm eccentric, my utterances derails every significant conversation. I'm ill at ease even when attempts are made to put me at east. I'm an introvert, a faux extrovert, only desiring the attention of everyone, feeding on them to make myself feel wanted and important. I'm a lout, i'm a freak, a jerk, an ingrate dullard who deserves nothing more to be cooked deep within the deepest pits of hell.

And yes. I have a poor opinion about myself.

Compare the two now and tell me: Does HE deserve HER? Hardly. Hardly indeed.

How unfair then it'll be if the two does indeed find each other?

Surely, that, then, is a work from God.

Ah thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Alas, fatigue envelopes my mind, and also hangs the prospect of returning to camp.

And it goes on and on and...

on and on and on...

9 months left till I can run around camp in my underwear, exclaiming three, very treasured, very sacred, very sexy and very beautiful letters.

O. R. D.

Man, one can literally go NUTS thinking of that. But you know, life's not so bad anymore. Being a 3SG in Tekong... Once you get past the initial "New Spec, Old Spec" rubbish, things go swimmingly.

Oh but i don wanna talk about that crap. Not now.

I wanna talk about her.

OK, so i use "her" alot. I don wanna name names, I'm paranoid.

See, girl A, or I always refer to her, is "Safe and Secure". She's the God-fearing, born-again Christian type. In essence, the politically correct girl to go for.

Then, there's girl B, or "Fun and Wild". She's illegally young at 17 (ok, i will never committ statutory rape, so illegal may not be a fair word to describe this), she's well, fun, wild, interesting, funny.

But fast forward! This conumdrum has been... erm, unconnumdrumized! Basically, Fun and Wild got a boyfriend. That usually does it for me. "It" being "lost all interest".

Sad that it stemmed from that that I finally settled on Safe and Secure.

And sad that i'm writing in such a nonchalant manner.

Now, i'm disturbed. What if, hypothetically, we got together. And, what if, she finds out I was weighing her in with another girl? How would she react? And besides, at that initial juncture, Fun and Wild seems to be my No. 1 choice. I hate me. I'm such a jerk. You know, I think God was trying to steer me away from Fun and Wild by giving her a boyfriend. I wonder if God worked that way. I mean, everything happened under God's supervision right? But, of course, we'll never know His purpose and I'm just being a complete jerk by putting words into God's mouth. Enough about that now.

I'm still disturbed. It's not fair to her. And i can't just hope she never asks that question (here i go, the Big Dreamer absorbed into thinking I'm with her.). Oh well, when it comes to crunch time, i know i have to be honest. I really felt that way. Really. I wanted Fun and Wild. I was dumb. Let's shelve this little discussion for another day.

Now let's talk about Safe and Secure.

See, i've been spending alot of type with Safe and Secure (Let's keep it simple and revert to refering her as "girl A".). And i've been spending SOME time with God as well. My head is clearer now and i can really see that she is the right choice.

Why I Like Her...

Why i like her. A bloody good question. First and foremost, it really sets my heart at ease that's she not some nominal Christian who's faith is so volatile, like mine. She's strong, and convicted. On fire. You can really see she has a deep desire to further her thirst for God. She is utterly convinced that her spiritual satisfaction comes from our Living God. She is transformed and has since blosssomed into a mighty soldier for God.

She is kind and gentle. She never has a harsh word for anyone. You don't really see her wanting to hurt any one. Well, at least, I haven't seen that side of her yet. I mean, let's not be naive. There are times in life when someone has wronged you and all you wanna do is just to drug him, chop him up and feed him to the dogs.

She seems to have an affinity for kids. She strives to love others.

Wow, you know what? I don't want to carve a statue of her and worship it. I want to know her truly. Her strengths and her flaws both. I mean, knowing a person more mean spending more time with her.

I do want to.

I mean, we've been going out in groups and such. It's kinda hard to talk to her when's there's others around distracting us, stealing our attention. And i don't wanna drop the bomb yet. That's what i always do. Drop the bomb early. So much so i scare her off. We've yet to establish that bond.

And don go saying "i've got a feeling she likes me" cause, simply, you're an idiot who knows crap about how woman feels. Even though she can be paying more attention to you could just be because she feels comfortable with you AS A BROTHER IN CHRIST.

So, please dude, don't go jumping to conclusions, thinking, oh she has the hots for me. You need to know that. Whatever rubbish you hear about siezing the moment before it's too late is, well, rubbish! The moment isn't here.... yet!

Sigh.

Headache. You know what? For now. Just be her good friend ok? And pray. Pray, pray, pray.

Pray.