Finally, finally, finally...
It seems like I'm walking out of a mist, and now into the clear. Where I used to languish in hopeless wandering, the path is set, as if gravel, cement and stone piled themselves magically before me, bidding me forward unto a future I can tangibly grasp.
As it is now, the memories are fresh. The picture of me, deep in apprehension, hunching towards the parade square after goodbyes to my loved ones, is fresh indeed. Like a painting immortalized, I see me digging amongst endless heaps of soil, all soggy and wet from the unrelenting rain, praying at the same time to God for release.
I see me staring quizzically at the screen which instructed me where to go: SISPEC. And now, I play the memory of me, filled with the experience and training, marching through the distances, battling the demons within me. And the all-too-familiar hunch I'd adopt, as I'd grudgingly make my way, with weight in tow, to Charlie company. But deeply imprinted in me, were the kind approval and pride my family and friends had, as they strode up to me to fix my rank unto my arms.
Then came a time of newness, a time of great learning. A difficult time indeed. Dare I say, more than any other experience in my army life. I cringe at the moments of persecution, of unrest. I sigh whenever I replay that moment in my head, where my tongue moved faster than my mind, where labels were almost literally branded upon me.
Yes, these are all past. In an environment different from any other I have experienced, I have come through, and I hope for myself, I have been bettered.
Though, the cynical self seem to speak louder, as he has always done. He judges me and tells me how readily I've fallen, how easily I am swayed. In this place so seemingly of any spirituality, I have abandoned my beliefs. I had thought, by not caring, were making moral choices so much easier. Yet I know in me this cannot be. For a man of God must strive, he must persevere. In his time of testing, he must trust in the Holy One. Yet the contrary is what I've done and, with my human thought and perception, I struggle wondering if God can ever forgive me.
My sins are numerous. I have slandered, lied, hated, lusted, lazed... They are endless. Has Jesus died for every one of these sins?
God forgive sins. He has sent his son Jesus Christ to die. With his death, our sins are paid for: past, present and future. I believe in a God full of compassion and mercy. I believe also in a God who angers and punishes. I have no defense, only guilt and sin.
Yet he forgives. For His love endures forever.
It is hard to make sense of the senseless, as it has been for the past 2 years. The SAF is a unique organization indeed, where rank means power. There is no questioning, no doubting the orders given by a person of superior rank. True, in wartime, soldiers cannot afford to slow orders by questioning their leaders' judgement. Yet, we are in peacetime, and often, alot of things, alot of orders, alot of practices put into place, alot of punishment hardly make sense.
Why, I wonder, did God put me here? What purpose? I know God likes to put His children through and experiences to better them. So what is the learning point here.
I guess I haven't been the most faithful of Christians. It didn't take too long for me to be consumed by my environment. This environment, which carries about it so much negativity and so devoid of spirituality, stripped me bare. It broke me. What it produced in me was a carnal, sinful, instinctive man who acted based upon his own skewed judgement. And what I didn't realise was the emptiness in me. I persisted in my behaviour and wondered in vain why do bad things always happen to me?
But as it goes, I am broken to be rebuilt. God has shown me my frailities. He has let me know my weaknessess. He has opened my eyes and has begun to refill the empty pits in my heart. He has strengthened me with joy and the knowledge of his grace and victory.
I leave soon with that in mind. God has prepared me for the working life. God has inspired me to let him lead, to let the Spirit take control, to submit to His will, to live my life with joy no matter what.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
- Proverbs 3:5-6
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Why I'm Bloody Brilliant
Why am I so bloody brilliant?
I'm a good writer. I've got an imaginative mind. I can think of wonderful stories. Entertaining stories. I'm funny. In a unique way. I can make people laugh, I can also make people cry. I create worlds that people can believe in, characters that people fall in love with when I want them to, hate when I want them to.
...
I'm a good writer. I've got an imaginative mind. I can think of wonderful stories. Entertaining stories. I'm funny. In a unique way. I can make people laugh, I can also make people cry. I create worlds that people can believe in, characters that people fall in love with when I want them to, hate when I want them to.
...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Directionless... Hopeless... Not at all driven...
That's my current state. It seems I have nothing to write about. There are no changes. Nothing new happens. I'm stuck in this place where I'm facing the same problems I faced yesterday, a week ago, a month, a year...
Some things are for sure though. I'm sliding down the slippery slope of self-pity, self-loathing. I start to become more morose, more negative. It's a thin line between being realistic and being delusional. I look at myself sometimes, and I see a wastrel, a stubborn brat with pipe dreams. And yet, at other times, I think myself as someone with untapped talents who just haven't encountered, or siezed that one big break in life.
I wish to do better... Don't we all?
That's my current state. It seems I have nothing to write about. There are no changes. Nothing new happens. I'm stuck in this place where I'm facing the same problems I faced yesterday, a week ago, a month, a year...
Some things are for sure though. I'm sliding down the slippery slope of self-pity, self-loathing. I start to become more morose, more negative. It's a thin line between being realistic and being delusional. I look at myself sometimes, and I see a wastrel, a stubborn brat with pipe dreams. And yet, at other times, I think myself as someone with untapped talents who just haven't encountered, or siezed that one big break in life.
I wish to do better... Don't we all?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Let me question that feeling
That kind that puts aside your reasoning
I've made the mistake once, twice
Too many, many times
I've learnt, I've learnt
The hard way, I got burnt
Cause I'm just a young fella
I shoulda known betta
No matter what they say,
"Jump upon that impulse"
Don't, it'll ruin your day
There's no need to arouse
That feeling, again
Avoid needless pain
But I work against myself
I crave my personal hell
Won't you help me please
Chords:
I need a few more layers
Cause I get too cold too quick
Too slow to think
It's too hard too much
For me to take
I need a few more layers
Just to be sure
That I won't fall
I won't fall
Again
Hey I'm hurt
Have you heard?
But you don't care
Cause when I feel you're not there
That kind that puts aside your reasoning
I've made the mistake once, twice
Too many, many times
I've learnt, I've learnt
The hard way, I got burnt
Cause I'm just a young fella
I shoulda known betta
No matter what they say,
"Jump upon that impulse"
Don't, it'll ruin your day
There's no need to arouse
That feeling, again
Avoid needless pain
But I work against myself
I crave my personal hell
Won't you help me please
Chords:
I need a few more layers
Cause I get too cold too quick
Too slow to think
It's too hard too much
For me to take
I need a few more layers
Just to be sure
That I won't fall
I won't fall
Again
Hey I'm hurt
Have you heard?
But you don't care
Cause when I feel you're not there
Saturday, March 27, 2010
"Well," he thought, as he preened over his computer, "Here I am again. Staring at a blank screen, the cursor flashing on and off, wondering what to do, how do I do this shit, how do I get words on the screen, enough words that I can give my publisher in exchange for money."
Indeed, he has spent many hours pondering. He has spent too many hours in fact, that he has forgotten one vital thing: nourishment. There he sat... Barely sitting... His skeleton very glaring indeed. He hadn't an ounce of fat, he never ate for a long time now... He just... sat. He hadn't a clue as to what night and day looked like anymore, and appearance besides, he was certaintly and surely, losing the concept that he was a human.
He had begun to think of himself as another enitity altogether. One with a singular purpose, one with different needs, and wants, but like I said, he had barely begun to identify this change in himself. Yet, he could feel an inkling. I know. I know so much because we touched. And because we touched, I know.
I sat there, not knowing what to do. He seemed to have captured me somehow. He seemed to had an aura, that, as I stared on, seemed to become more and more visible. It was a certain greenish glow, like that of stereotyped aliens depicted in mainstream films. I was enraptured by it. I was past the point of fear, it seemed to put me at ease very quickly. And then, I blinked.
And there he was. And he was typing. I looked at his fingers. They moved fast. A blur, a whirl. I saw the screen move as words filled up the once-empty spaces. I saw chapters, I saw long dialogues, I saw headings, I saw large words and small words, I saw simple ideas, and layman terms.
He was writing. He sat there, he lower body very still and his fingers danced, his hands swayed. Suddenly, he stopped. I realised then that I had stared at him for a very long time too. I could feel the grime and sweat on my body, and my plastered hair on my forehead. He turned his head to my direction and looked at me. Our eyes met. He was panting, he, too, was sweating profusely. He didn't smile, his eyes were gentle and at ease. He was done, and he knew he had no more part over here.
So he exploded.
Bits and chunks and him flew around, some were twirling, as if doing a final pirrouette before descending to the ground like a gentle feather, some were catapulted some distance away, through the windows, into the skies, never to be seen again.
I wiped my eyes, enough to see the screen. It was untouched and clean, ready to be read.
And read, I did. And page after page, dialogue after dialogue. I consumed the story, I unravelled the mysteries, and lifted up the layers, and lived the characters' lives. I too, then, was reduced to bones already. And when I read the last page, when I reached the last word, I read the last passage again. Again, and again, and again.
And then, I was done.
So I, too, exploded.
Indeed, he has spent many hours pondering. He has spent too many hours in fact, that he has forgotten one vital thing: nourishment. There he sat... Barely sitting... His skeleton very glaring indeed. He hadn't an ounce of fat, he never ate for a long time now... He just... sat. He hadn't a clue as to what night and day looked like anymore, and appearance besides, he was certaintly and surely, losing the concept that he was a human.
He had begun to think of himself as another enitity altogether. One with a singular purpose, one with different needs, and wants, but like I said, he had barely begun to identify this change in himself. Yet, he could feel an inkling. I know. I know so much because we touched. And because we touched, I know.
I sat there, not knowing what to do. He seemed to have captured me somehow. He seemed to had an aura, that, as I stared on, seemed to become more and more visible. It was a certain greenish glow, like that of stereotyped aliens depicted in mainstream films. I was enraptured by it. I was past the point of fear, it seemed to put me at ease very quickly. And then, I blinked.
And there he was. And he was typing. I looked at his fingers. They moved fast. A blur, a whirl. I saw the screen move as words filled up the once-empty spaces. I saw chapters, I saw long dialogues, I saw headings, I saw large words and small words, I saw simple ideas, and layman terms.
He was writing. He sat there, he lower body very still and his fingers danced, his hands swayed. Suddenly, he stopped. I realised then that I had stared at him for a very long time too. I could feel the grime and sweat on my body, and my plastered hair on my forehead. He turned his head to my direction and looked at me. Our eyes met. He was panting, he, too, was sweating profusely. He didn't smile, his eyes were gentle and at ease. He was done, and he knew he had no more part over here.
So he exploded.
Bits and chunks and him flew around, some were twirling, as if doing a final pirrouette before descending to the ground like a gentle feather, some were catapulted some distance away, through the windows, into the skies, never to be seen again.
I wiped my eyes, enough to see the screen. It was untouched and clean, ready to be read.
And read, I did. And page after page, dialogue after dialogue. I consumed the story, I unravelled the mysteries, and lifted up the layers, and lived the characters' lives. I too, then, was reduced to bones already. And when I read the last page, when I reached the last word, I read the last passage again. Again, and again, and again.
And then, I was done.
So I, too, exploded.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Where in this world, can I find a piece of my mind?
Cause I've overthought it, and I'm scattered over, convincing myself it's fine.
I'm really scared, I'm losing a part of me, that was a part of me for a long, long time.
Can't really see, ahead on this road, judging by what I was told, it's hard to find
A way to live this life, the way i want it
Stuck in this place with nowhere to go
Do you know, I'm losing my soul
Stop beating me up man, I'm begging
Start treating me right now, I'm saying
All I want is just peace and direction
That's all I want
Is it so hard to give
Cause I've overthought it, and I'm scattered over, convincing myself it's fine.
I'm really scared, I'm losing a part of me, that was a part of me for a long, long time.
Can't really see, ahead on this road, judging by what I was told, it's hard to find
A way to live this life, the way i want it
Stuck in this place with nowhere to go
Do you know, I'm losing my soul
Stop beating me up man, I'm begging
Start treating me right now, I'm saying
All I want is just peace and direction
That's all I want
Is it so hard to give
There is a sickness that drives this place
It strikes me hard with great distaste
It's seen in wars between the human race
Times we'd show our darker face
Who knew we'd spend so much on hate?
Is there hope for us when we meet our fates?
Will we be saved? Is it too late?
Are we devices to destroy what we create?
For the core of us is the desire of fulfilment
The needs of ours felt first by us
Our conditions, nature, thoughts and beliefs
Are only for ourselves, and for no one else
It strikes me hard with great distaste
It's seen in wars between the human race
Times we'd show our darker face
Who knew we'd spend so much on hate?
Is there hope for us when we meet our fates?
Will we be saved? Is it too late?
Are we devices to destroy what we create?
For the core of us is the desire of fulfilment
The needs of ours felt first by us
Our conditions, nature, thoughts and beliefs
Are only for ourselves, and for no one else
Saturday, March 13, 2010
It's pointless to seek...
Cynisism is a defense. The way this world has since been shaped, it is a logical reaction. On the other spectrum, happiness is dangerous. It lifts you up high for a great big fall.
That's the way it is, that's the way it's gonna be.
That's the way it is, that's the way it's gonna be.
We are Bastards
"Bastard coated bastards with bastard fillings."
We are selfish. We are feeling creatures, and our needs are our foremost feelings. That is our structure, our condition, our nature. When we think, we think for ourselves first. Our first instinct is for us, for ourselves.
I see no other way. There is no other alternative. We are selfish.
We are selfish. We are feeling creatures, and our needs are our foremost feelings. That is our structure, our condition, our nature. When we think, we think for ourselves first. Our first instinct is for us, for ourselves.
I see no other way. There is no other alternative. We are selfish.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Growth...
Needless to say, every area in my spiritual life needs growing and attention. But, as always, I gotta take baby steps. I wonder, what is the one area of my life that needs growing?
I often go through life, especially in camp, without God on my mind. Why? I guess it's the emphasis I place upon Him. I don't prioritise him at all. He's often out of my mind. My lips can say He is important to me, He is my number 1 and all. But, truth is, I forget Him as soon as I reach a comfort level, or when I face adversity.
But still, the question stands: Why? I guess I just forget all the times He'd impacted me. It's like having a friend who has done you great favour versus a common hi-bye friend. Obviously, I'd think of the better friend first when I meet danger or have something nice to share.
Same thing, I forget what God has done for me. I know there are times when He has touched my heart. But I went ahead and forgot those times.
The one thing I need to do is to keep within my heart how God is like. I guess part of the underlying problem is also my lack of knowledge of God's character. He's like a friend I barely know, so I wouldn't want to open myself up to him or ask him for help, for who knows what he'd do? Or whether he'll help?
So that's the focus for the coming weeks: Understanding God and who He is.
I often go through life, especially in camp, without God on my mind. Why? I guess it's the emphasis I place upon Him. I don't prioritise him at all. He's often out of my mind. My lips can say He is important to me, He is my number 1 and all. But, truth is, I forget Him as soon as I reach a comfort level, or when I face adversity.
But still, the question stands: Why? I guess I just forget all the times He'd impacted me. It's like having a friend who has done you great favour versus a common hi-bye friend. Obviously, I'd think of the better friend first when I meet danger or have something nice to share.
Same thing, I forget what God has done for me. I know there are times when He has touched my heart. But I went ahead and forgot those times.
The one thing I need to do is to keep within my heart how God is like. I guess part of the underlying problem is also my lack of knowledge of God's character. He's like a friend I barely know, so I wouldn't want to open myself up to him or ask him for help, for who knows what he'd do? Or whether he'll help?
So that's the focus for the coming weeks: Understanding God and who He is.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
She's been on my mind...
... what's new?
Well, today will be the last time in about 2 weeks that I'll see her.
I'm gonna miss her like I always do...
There's a certain selfishness to this bloody feeling. The ME part. I, I, I. Me, Me, Me.
I want her to hold, to belong to me.
I want her to talk to me.
I want her to adore me.
I want her to pay attention to me.
I want her to miss me.
And its just this feeling that makes me forget why I like her.
I wish very much to adore her properly. To respect her. To think of her as a sister-in-Christ first above all else.
It's this very human, very... male... part of me that screams at me to get things done now. Now, now, now.
But... I am glad I recognize that now. I know I always let these feelings get the better of me and I rush into doing something irreversible, and destructive.
I know she's a good person. She's still the kind and gentle person she is. But she is getting to be a tad serious, as in she doesn't have an outward appearance of happiness. I guess perhaps fatigue from work does that to everyone. But she does have the joy in the Lord.
Basically, she's a catch.
There's something about me. I'm not a good conversationalist. I'm not all that good in small talk. Only rubbish talk. Or insulting talk. I feed off people like Richard to gain laughs. Yes, it's a horrible truth, but its the truth. Its something I gotta deal with.
Muse is in Singapore today. And I'm gonna see 'em.
Well, today will be the last time in about 2 weeks that I'll see her.
I'm gonna miss her like I always do...
There's a certain selfishness to this bloody feeling. The ME part. I, I, I. Me, Me, Me.
I want her to hold, to belong to me.
I want her to talk to me.
I want her to adore me.
I want her to pay attention to me.
I want her to miss me.
And its just this feeling that makes me forget why I like her.
I wish very much to adore her properly. To respect her. To think of her as a sister-in-Christ first above all else.
It's this very human, very... male... part of me that screams at me to get things done now. Now, now, now.
But... I am glad I recognize that now. I know I always let these feelings get the better of me and I rush into doing something irreversible, and destructive.
I know she's a good person. She's still the kind and gentle person she is. But she is getting to be a tad serious, as in she doesn't have an outward appearance of happiness. I guess perhaps fatigue from work does that to everyone. But she does have the joy in the Lord.
Basically, she's a catch.
There's something about me. I'm not a good conversationalist. I'm not all that good in small talk. Only rubbish talk. Or insulting talk. I feed off people like Richard to gain laughs. Yes, it's a horrible truth, but its the truth. Its something I gotta deal with.
Muse is in Singapore today. And I'm gonna see 'em.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The design of life...
... is not for it to be easy.
Life is difficult, no doubt. We... Well, I... Have spent the better half of my life embroiled in one frustration or another.
And that's the way it should be.
God designed this life. He's the engineer of blessings and trials. And trials are beautiful.
"Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance"
What makes the difference is how you face trials.
One would often choose to be defeated by a circumstance. To lament and to complain. One would choose to see a trial, not as a trial, but as an obstacle to an otherwise comfortable life.
But if we all desire a comfortable life, what is the point of life? How do we grow? What do we learn?
Instead, we should be joyful when negative circumstances come. We must identify them as trials. God's way of testing us, and building us up.
I dread army. It's no lie. It's a loss of freedom. It's me being forced into an environment of spiritual drought. I have to face authority which i dislike. There's powerful force in there, and it oppresses me constantly.
I know I must grow out of this. To simply take this time and treasure it. To meet each challenge head on. To grow.
I'm lonely. I desire the comfort from another human being. But when I look at myself I realize how inadequate I am. How much more trials I need. Of course, we must never stop growing. The quest for growth must never end.
To surrender all, to relinquish control to God. To realize the weakness of oneself and to recognize the strength of God. How great would that day be when I can truly let go and let God take the reins of my life.
What we need is God.
What we need is each other.
Full-Stop.
Life is difficult, no doubt. We... Well, I... Have spent the better half of my life embroiled in one frustration or another.
And that's the way it should be.
God designed this life. He's the engineer of blessings and trials. And trials are beautiful.
"Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance"
What makes the difference is how you face trials.
One would often choose to be defeated by a circumstance. To lament and to complain. One would choose to see a trial, not as a trial, but as an obstacle to an otherwise comfortable life.
But if we all desire a comfortable life, what is the point of life? How do we grow? What do we learn?
Instead, we should be joyful when negative circumstances come. We must identify them as trials. God's way of testing us, and building us up.
I dread army. It's no lie. It's a loss of freedom. It's me being forced into an environment of spiritual drought. I have to face authority which i dislike. There's powerful force in there, and it oppresses me constantly.
I know I must grow out of this. To simply take this time and treasure it. To meet each challenge head on. To grow.
I'm lonely. I desire the comfort from another human being. But when I look at myself I realize how inadequate I am. How much more trials I need. Of course, we must never stop growing. The quest for growth must never end.
To surrender all, to relinquish control to God. To realize the weakness of oneself and to recognize the strength of God. How great would that day be when I can truly let go and let God take the reins of my life.
What we need is God.
What we need is each other.
Full-Stop.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
It's hard to figure out...
I don't get it.
I dread army. I hate it. I hate how it takes away your freedom. I hate the hiearchy and how strong it stands out. Most of all, I hate how the authority figures have the absolute say in everything.
I don't get it.
The way we're treated, it gives us a feeling that we are insignificant and small. Just by a word, someone with sufficient rank can say something and it must happen, regardless of anything. Some of these people have education, most of them don't. They most definitely don't have people skills, knowledge of how to manage people. They're too consumed with power. They're power-tripping everyday. What they feel is right, is law.
Do these commanders, these so-called leaders even know how to lead? What training do they go through? True, in a combat field, absolute obedience to orders is a must to be able to get a unit to accomplish its objectives faster. I do agree that this obedience must be trained, it must be cultivated.
But surely a line must be drawn. In peacetime, in times of training, is there no avenue of response for soldiers of lower rank? Are we to put absolute trust in these so-called leaders? Are they capable of making correct, informed, intelligent decisions?
Yet...
This is all born from anger. All this rage.. All this hate.. And I should know better. It's never nice to feel hate. Going through 2 years of your life filled with hate... It's pointless...
I've given up hope on the army. It is an organization I'm waiting earnestly to leave. There is no value-add in there, what can be learned in there are what can also be learned outside.
Yet, I do not want to hate it. I just don't want to be emotionally affected by it anymore. Not anymore. I'll be a ghost, a zombie. I will neither contribute, nor will I shirk from my responsibilities. I will neither put in effort, or slack off. I will do what is required, nothing more, nothing less.
It is a mean feat. But I do hope in the process, I do these things devoid of emotion. I will not hate the practices, I will not dread the hardships, and I know I won't be able to ever have the ability to enjoy what I'm doing.
It's over. I'm just waiting.
I dread army. I hate it. I hate how it takes away your freedom. I hate the hiearchy and how strong it stands out. Most of all, I hate how the authority figures have the absolute say in everything.
I don't get it.
The way we're treated, it gives us a feeling that we are insignificant and small. Just by a word, someone with sufficient rank can say something and it must happen, regardless of anything. Some of these people have education, most of them don't. They most definitely don't have people skills, knowledge of how to manage people. They're too consumed with power. They're power-tripping everyday. What they feel is right, is law.
Do these commanders, these so-called leaders even know how to lead? What training do they go through? True, in a combat field, absolute obedience to orders is a must to be able to get a unit to accomplish its objectives faster. I do agree that this obedience must be trained, it must be cultivated.
But surely a line must be drawn. In peacetime, in times of training, is there no avenue of response for soldiers of lower rank? Are we to put absolute trust in these so-called leaders? Are they capable of making correct, informed, intelligent decisions?
Yet...
This is all born from anger. All this rage.. All this hate.. And I should know better. It's never nice to feel hate. Going through 2 years of your life filled with hate... It's pointless...
I've given up hope on the army. It is an organization I'm waiting earnestly to leave. There is no value-add in there, what can be learned in there are what can also be learned outside.
Yet, I do not want to hate it. I just don't want to be emotionally affected by it anymore. Not anymore. I'll be a ghost, a zombie. I will neither contribute, nor will I shirk from my responsibilities. I will neither put in effort, or slack off. I will do what is required, nothing more, nothing less.
It is a mean feat. But I do hope in the process, I do these things devoid of emotion. I will not hate the practices, I will not dread the hardships, and I know I won't be able to ever have the ability to enjoy what I'm doing.
It's over. I'm just waiting.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Well, it's back to THAT again...
...no, i'm feeling depressed or anything... i'm just.. slightly vexed or anxious.. over my feelings for her...
See, i'm still quite proud of myself, having been able to control my emotions and not obssess over her too greatly that it affects my daily life. I'm not too depressed that I want to do anything stupid to change the relationship I have with her now.
I have self-restrain. I won't say alot. There are still times I dream about her like a little boy in puppy love. But I often stop myself. I wanna be rational when it comes to her. Sure, these little butterflies in my stomach kinda feeling is kinda nice (but hurts at the same time) but they are pointless. Being in a relationship has the same amount of mind and heart.
I still wanna respect where she wants our relations to go. I'm happy to remain as friends. I still want to leave the decision to her. I don wan things to be awkward, ever. I want to keep praying about it. I want to seek God's will. It's not easy. But hey, it's worth it.
I am open to the fact that she treats me no more like a friend. And I'm not totally shunning the concept that she may never wants anything more than that ever. I'm also readying myself that she may give her heart to another. And that's ALL ok by me. God is in control. SHE is in control of her choices, and her heart. What I, or we, as men pursuing the woman, ought to do, is to focus on bettering ourselves as worthy partners in life. We ought to be ourselves, not to wayang, and let her fit herselves to us, letting her make the choice as to who is suitable for her.
Of course, our intention should never to make ourselves better men so that she would desire us. Rather, our focus must be on God. For He is our first love. He brought us into this family. He was the one who first loved us. Not any girl.
But one thing i'd like to talk about... She's back to work now... So that means she has lesser time for friends. So that means fewer opportunities for me to talk to her. (Not that I talk to her much when we meet... sure there are the nice times where we play the guitar together, the very rare msn conversations, facebook and whatnot...) It's hard to be away from her. It's a normal reaction I guess. And i'm not completely bummed out. The issue is this:
I want her to keep noticing me. I mean, yeah, every guy wants his girl to think of him, notice him, talk to him, approach him VOLUNTARILY. Thing is now, there's no reason we should have anything to do with each other. So there's no way I can keep the impression of good ol' pete in her mind.
Then again: Should this be the case?
Like I said, the focus will be on God. According to His Word, he is OK with us getting into relationships and getting hitched and whatnot. Yeah, our attention will be divided somewhat, but if we are suffering in passion, we ought to just get it over and done with.
You know what? Your new year resolution includes wanting to have more faith in God right?
Then trust God on this one. Go away from thinking about her. That means sieze yourself from trying to plan what to do, or dreaming about her, or what. Just be her friend. Just let your heart readjust your attitude to her as a friend.
Read the Word. Study the Word not for her, but for God. Because, if God wants you to be with her, He'll create the circumstance. I'm so sure of that.
Matthew 6:33"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;and all these things shall be added unto you."
Enough said. God has given me this direction. Onwards and upwards!
See, i'm still quite proud of myself, having been able to control my emotions and not obssess over her too greatly that it affects my daily life. I'm not too depressed that I want to do anything stupid to change the relationship I have with her now.
I have self-restrain. I won't say alot. There are still times I dream about her like a little boy in puppy love. But I often stop myself. I wanna be rational when it comes to her. Sure, these little butterflies in my stomach kinda feeling is kinda nice (but hurts at the same time) but they are pointless. Being in a relationship has the same amount of mind and heart.
I still wanna respect where she wants our relations to go. I'm happy to remain as friends. I still want to leave the decision to her. I don wan things to be awkward, ever. I want to keep praying about it. I want to seek God's will. It's not easy. But hey, it's worth it.
I am open to the fact that she treats me no more like a friend. And I'm not totally shunning the concept that she may never wants anything more than that ever. I'm also readying myself that she may give her heart to another. And that's ALL ok by me. God is in control. SHE is in control of her choices, and her heart. What I, or we, as men pursuing the woman, ought to do, is to focus on bettering ourselves as worthy partners in life. We ought to be ourselves, not to wayang, and let her fit herselves to us, letting her make the choice as to who is suitable for her.
Of course, our intention should never to make ourselves better men so that she would desire us. Rather, our focus must be on God. For He is our first love. He brought us into this family. He was the one who first loved us. Not any girl.
But one thing i'd like to talk about... She's back to work now... So that means she has lesser time for friends. So that means fewer opportunities for me to talk to her. (Not that I talk to her much when we meet... sure there are the nice times where we play the guitar together, the very rare msn conversations, facebook and whatnot...) It's hard to be away from her. It's a normal reaction I guess. And i'm not completely bummed out. The issue is this:
I want her to keep noticing me. I mean, yeah, every guy wants his girl to think of him, notice him, talk to him, approach him VOLUNTARILY. Thing is now, there's no reason we should have anything to do with each other. So there's no way I can keep the impression of good ol' pete in her mind.
Then again: Should this be the case?
Like I said, the focus will be on God. According to His Word, he is OK with us getting into relationships and getting hitched and whatnot. Yeah, our attention will be divided somewhat, but if we are suffering in passion, we ought to just get it over and done with.
You know what? Your new year resolution includes wanting to have more faith in God right?
Then trust God on this one. Go away from thinking about her. That means sieze yourself from trying to plan what to do, or dreaming about her, or what. Just be her friend. Just let your heart readjust your attitude to her as a friend.
Read the Word. Study the Word not for her, but for God. Because, if God wants you to be with her, He'll create the circumstance. I'm so sure of that.
Matthew 6:33"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;and all these things shall be added unto you."
Enough said. God has given me this direction. Onwards and upwards!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Now look here...
Let's be talking about something else other than your romantic, self-obsessed BS, OK?
I was reading this verse from 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
10By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. 11For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. 14If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. 15If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
Now, I won't pretend I'm a great interpreter of Bible verses, but from what I can see, the foundation here means the foundation Christ has laid for His work. That means, Christ is the foundation of all our work. Matthew Henry's commentary states that:
"The doctrine of our Saviour and his mediation is the principal doctrine of Christianity. It lies at the bottom, and is the foundation, of all the rest."
With regards to all the materials mentioned:
"I. Some build upon this foundation gold, silver, and precious stones (v. 12), namely, those who receive and propagate the pure truths of the gospel, who hold nothing but the truth as it is in Jesus, and preach nothing else. This is building well upon a good foundation, making all of apiece, when ministers not only depend upon Christ as the great prophet of the church, and take him for their guide and infallible teacher, but receive and spread the doctrines he taught, in their purity, with out any corrupt mixtures, without adding or diminishing.
II. Others build wood, hay, and stubble, on this foundation; that is, though they adhere to the foundation, they depart from the mind of Christ in many particulars, substitute their own fancies and inventions in the room of his doctrines and institutions, and build upon the good foundation what will not abide the test when the day of trial shall come, and the fire must make it manifest, as wood, hay, and stubble, will not bear the trial by fire, but must be consumed in it."
And the rest of the scripture pretty much explains itself.
SO! What work have I been doing? Sure, i've debated with some people about Christ, always ready to eke out a few paltry words of wisdom from my pathetic knowledge of the Word. I don't even have a testimony. None that I can recall. I should write one. Note to self: Write a testimony.
The only real decent effort was 2 Christmas plays and my outreach to my grandma, God rest her soul.
Our passion should be God's heart. And that means obeying Him, and labouring for Him. Treasures in heaven... No shame in wanting treasures in heaven. Cause these treaures.... they good and pure man. Not the kind of monetary rubbish the word is so concerned about.... Treasures in heaven.
So I gotta step it up. And the first thing that comes to mind is to create yet another play to be staged for non-believers. Why? Cause it's what I'm good at! ... I guess... So let's start planning!
First of all, publicity's gotta be good. Gotta be flashy and attractive, elaborate and huge, something that catches the eye, and something people can be proud of inviting friends for. Some food for thought for that.
One thing we always miss out, or put a sad amount of emphasis are counsellors, people who would talk to people wanting to know God more. And people who would do follow ups. This time, alot of effort and work MUST MUST MUST be placed into this area. We gotta step up our evangelical efforts. That is not to say we want to see results, but we want to increase our faith in God. We want to labour with gold, silver and costly stones. Because, look, if we put up a flashy play and entertain people, and people just go away feeling entertained, I ask you, what's the point then? We want this play to touch lives and reach hearts.
Christmas is a good time to stage a play. Think about it: It's a time of good feelings (invoked by the media of course, which is a double-edged sword) and people are less pre-occupied. They are even less resistant with going to church because it seems to be the "right" thing to do.
The most important thing has gotta be the message. This, we gotta squeeze more brain juice thinking. Think in terms of what kinds of people will come:
1) There are those fervent in their own faith. That, by God's grace, they are led into church for whatever reasons there are. These guys will be cautious, wary and extrememly skeptical. Of course, we do not want to attack their own religion. These are the people we need to pray especially for God to open up their hearts and minds. It probably takes alot more work and follow up and sensitivity while we're at it to reach to these people.
2) There are those who have broken hearts, those who are going through difficult situation. Indeed, His strength is made perfect in our weaknessess. Through God's grace and through the story, may they find the solace and peace they are seeking in God.
3) There are those who are nonchalant, who lead peaceful lives, and senses no need for God. These guys are difficult cause they are contented. These are the people who needs to see the evil in their lives (that is not to say, the other 2 groups don't have evil in their lives, we all do!), to see that all have sinned and fallen short of His glory. Through the failings of the characters, we'll hope to help them see their inperfection in their supposed perfect lives.
These are just some of the many groups that we will face. People are unpredictable and only God knows the hearts of man, so let us never stop beseeching God for his grace and mercy upon the people who will come.
So, that said, how should the story be like? I know the usual story structure will be problem presented, then solution. But of course, there's always room for something else. Something more imaginative. Of course, the story has to be "mainstream", im using the word even though i hate it, if our story is too abstract, not all can understand right? Then there's no point right? But the main thing is to get them to think. Hit them on the emotional level, perplex them abit, start them on some self-examination and give them a story that will stay in their heads. Often, the story has to be close to home. However, speaking on a personal level, the stories i've read or watched that really struck my heart are often out-of-this-world. Stories such as Lord of the Flies, Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump. But, they have powerful characters, they have very human characters. They have people with failings, and people who struggle against the predicament.
So, what i was thinking was this:
We have three men. One, a rich, comfortable shopping mall chain owner who suffers from agoraphobia. If i want, I can make him OCD as well, so this is a man with many, many fears. He's not social so his attempts at being nice to his only contact, Sally (his secretay), is awkward at best (but adorable, for that "awww" effect). Eventually, he finds the courage (by some Divine motivation) to step out. Slowly, the events that follow teaches him the joy of "living". But then, his perceptions are once more adjusted when he faces the reality of losing everything (maybe he suffers a mild heart attack, or something milder). Then, through yet another divine intervention, he discover what true living is about: Living for Jesus Christ.
Two, we have a humble office worker working for the same shopping mall. He's quiet and hardworking and keeps to himself. However, deep inside, he is a man with strong views and strong beliefs, but his inability to express himself has given him a complex. Hence, he never speaks his mind and chooses instead to please people. Test after test after test, and he still refuses to stand up for the truth, when he finally finds himself nothing more than a mimic of what people want, a conformist, someone who has no ability to make his own choices.
I was reading this verse from 1 Corinthians 3:10-15
10By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. 11For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. 14If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. 15If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
Now, I won't pretend I'm a great interpreter of Bible verses, but from what I can see, the foundation here means the foundation Christ has laid for His work. That means, Christ is the foundation of all our work. Matthew Henry's commentary states that:
"The doctrine of our Saviour and his mediation is the principal doctrine of Christianity. It lies at the bottom, and is the foundation, of all the rest."
With regards to all the materials mentioned:
"I. Some build upon this foundation gold, silver, and precious stones (v. 12), namely, those who receive and propagate the pure truths of the gospel, who hold nothing but the truth as it is in Jesus, and preach nothing else. This is building well upon a good foundation, making all of apiece, when ministers not only depend upon Christ as the great prophet of the church, and take him for their guide and infallible teacher, but receive and spread the doctrines he taught, in their purity, with out any corrupt mixtures, without adding or diminishing.
II. Others build wood, hay, and stubble, on this foundation; that is, though they adhere to the foundation, they depart from the mind of Christ in many particulars, substitute their own fancies and inventions in the room of his doctrines and institutions, and build upon the good foundation what will not abide the test when the day of trial shall come, and the fire must make it manifest, as wood, hay, and stubble, will not bear the trial by fire, but must be consumed in it."
And the rest of the scripture pretty much explains itself.
SO! What work have I been doing? Sure, i've debated with some people about Christ, always ready to eke out a few paltry words of wisdom from my pathetic knowledge of the Word. I don't even have a testimony. None that I can recall. I should write one. Note to self: Write a testimony.
The only real decent effort was 2 Christmas plays and my outreach to my grandma, God rest her soul.
Our passion should be God's heart. And that means obeying Him, and labouring for Him. Treasures in heaven... No shame in wanting treasures in heaven. Cause these treaures.... they good and pure man. Not the kind of monetary rubbish the word is so concerned about.... Treasures in heaven.
So I gotta step it up. And the first thing that comes to mind is to create yet another play to be staged for non-believers. Why? Cause it's what I'm good at! ... I guess... So let's start planning!
First of all, publicity's gotta be good. Gotta be flashy and attractive, elaborate and huge, something that catches the eye, and something people can be proud of inviting friends for. Some food for thought for that.
One thing we always miss out, or put a sad amount of emphasis are counsellors, people who would talk to people wanting to know God more. And people who would do follow ups. This time, alot of effort and work MUST MUST MUST be placed into this area. We gotta step up our evangelical efforts. That is not to say we want to see results, but we want to increase our faith in God. We want to labour with gold, silver and costly stones. Because, look, if we put up a flashy play and entertain people, and people just go away feeling entertained, I ask you, what's the point then? We want this play to touch lives and reach hearts.
Christmas is a good time to stage a play. Think about it: It's a time of good feelings (invoked by the media of course, which is a double-edged sword) and people are less pre-occupied. They are even less resistant with going to church because it seems to be the "right" thing to do.
The most important thing has gotta be the message. This, we gotta squeeze more brain juice thinking. Think in terms of what kinds of people will come:
1) There are those fervent in their own faith. That, by God's grace, they are led into church for whatever reasons there are. These guys will be cautious, wary and extrememly skeptical. Of course, we do not want to attack their own religion. These are the people we need to pray especially for God to open up their hearts and minds. It probably takes alot more work and follow up and sensitivity while we're at it to reach to these people.
2) There are those who have broken hearts, those who are going through difficult situation. Indeed, His strength is made perfect in our weaknessess. Through God's grace and through the story, may they find the solace and peace they are seeking in God.
3) There are those who are nonchalant, who lead peaceful lives, and senses no need for God. These guys are difficult cause they are contented. These are the people who needs to see the evil in their lives (that is not to say, the other 2 groups don't have evil in their lives, we all do!), to see that all have sinned and fallen short of His glory. Through the failings of the characters, we'll hope to help them see their inperfection in their supposed perfect lives.
These are just some of the many groups that we will face. People are unpredictable and only God knows the hearts of man, so let us never stop beseeching God for his grace and mercy upon the people who will come.
So, that said, how should the story be like? I know the usual story structure will be problem presented, then solution. But of course, there's always room for something else. Something more imaginative. Of course, the story has to be "mainstream", im using the word even though i hate it, if our story is too abstract, not all can understand right? Then there's no point right? But the main thing is to get them to think. Hit them on the emotional level, perplex them abit, start them on some self-examination and give them a story that will stay in their heads. Often, the story has to be close to home. However, speaking on a personal level, the stories i've read or watched that really struck my heart are often out-of-this-world. Stories such as Lord of the Flies, Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump. But, they have powerful characters, they have very human characters. They have people with failings, and people who struggle against the predicament.
So, what i was thinking was this:
We have three men. One, a rich, comfortable shopping mall chain owner who suffers from agoraphobia. If i want, I can make him OCD as well, so this is a man with many, many fears. He's not social so his attempts at being nice to his only contact, Sally (his secretay), is awkward at best (but adorable, for that "awww" effect). Eventually, he finds the courage (by some Divine motivation) to step out. Slowly, the events that follow teaches him the joy of "living". But then, his perceptions are once more adjusted when he faces the reality of losing everything (maybe he suffers a mild heart attack, or something milder). Then, through yet another divine intervention, he discover what true living is about: Living for Jesus Christ.
Two, we have a humble office worker working for the same shopping mall. He's quiet and hardworking and keeps to himself. However, deep inside, he is a man with strong views and strong beliefs, but his inability to express himself has given him a complex. Hence, he never speaks his mind and chooses instead to please people. Test after test after test, and he still refuses to stand up for the truth, when he finally finds himself nothing more than a mimic of what people want, a conformist, someone who has no ability to make his own choices.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Me, me, me, me...
me...
Here I am, soaking in the tub of pity I filled myself. Every turn, I curse my situations. Every thought is shame as I lament on my own being, my own character. Joy is far, I can only see misery, and my eyes are weak and failing. I let my heart be weighed down, I tried lifting myself up, but I'm weak and failing.
My heart is heavy from the intense desire I built up in me for her.
My head strains from the anxieties I unreasonably entertained regarding my future life.
My body struggles against the plight I am in, the obligation of serving National Service.
Here I am, soaking in the tub of pity I filled myself. Every turn, I curse my situations. Every thought is shame as I lament on my own being, my own character. Joy is far, I can only see misery, and my eyes are weak and failing. I let my heart be weighed down, I tried lifting myself up, but I'm weak and failing.
My heart is heavy from the intense desire I built up in me for her.
My head strains from the anxieties I unreasonably entertained regarding my future life.
My body struggles against the plight I am in, the obligation of serving National Service.
Obsession -noun
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
So! Are my thoughts and feelings dominated by... THIS... persistent idea, image and desire?
Domination -noun
1. rule or sway; control, often arbitrary.
Right. You may wonder (whoever "You" are... probably just me, judging by how lame each and every entry is, these thoughts must never see the light of day) why am I talking about all these?
Just some silly analogy. heh.
So! Are my thoughts and feelings dominated by... THIS... persistent idea, image and desire?
Domination -noun
1. rule or sway; control, often arbitrary.
Right. You may wonder (whoever "You" are... probably just me, judging by how lame each and every entry is, these thoughts must never see the light of day) why am I talking about all these?
***
Monday, 01/02/2010, 02:29 am
Your talking about this... girl... that hangs on your mind daily.
This is something that has always perplexed you. You read the Word and you find no direct help, except stuff like, "If your burning in passion, its better to marry."
You've thought it out.
She's a friend. And she has no special feelings for you. Yeah, tough luck. But it's all for the better.
You're not ready. In each and every way, you're not ready. Financially, career-wise, maturity, spirituality...
You decided not to think about her. To be as normal as you can. If God so desires you two to be together, He'll make it happen. That's the whole idea of surrendering. Letting God know your feeling something, asking Him to help you do the right thing, relying on His strength and wisdom, and finally, trusting in His leading.
But of course, knowing is one thing, application is another. You still struggle, but that's normal. Your faith is will increase when you recognize who is in control. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour.
Just some silly analogy. heh.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The cat's out of the bag...
To 3 people. Meow, meow, meow.
One, a man in a relationship. He, being a man after God's heart, will understand how pursuing a Godly relationship is like. His advice and counsel will be most valuable.
Another, her best friend. Well, need I say more? She was the one who enlightened me how SHE feels for me: that she regards me merely as a friend. Which was expected, which, by God's grace, I was able to recieve calmly. More on this later.
Finally, my close friend. Someone I can pour out to, someone I can find release.
She treats me as a friend. Should I be broken? Nay, I say. She is still my friend! Indeed, I treasure our friendship. That she should smile and talk to me, I am contented. True, I do desire intimacy with her, but giving in to these desires would only jeopardize my friendship with her. It would make things awkward between us, and, that is a strict no-no.
I pray to God each day to keep my motives pure. I pray my motivation to be nice to her stems only from my desire to see her happy, not for any sinful or selfish self-gratification. Let me focus not on her physical beauty (of which she can surely boast of), but of these:
Her strength, her optimism and her enthusiasm to live this Godly life; these endears me greatly to her. Her kindness and gentleness, given by God to accentuate her womanly charms. Her sensitivity to the pain within others, her encouraging spirit. Her persistence and calmness in the face of adversity.
She is my friend. And if all she wants from is friendship, then I say: God be praised. If her heart does go to another, yet again I will say: God be praised. It is God's divine will, of which is good and perfect, of which I should have the utmost faith in. May this man who takes her be able to respect her and cherish her and provide for her... So unlike me, a wastrel, so undeserving of her.
Coming back, telling people my feelings is risky business. Though these are people I trust, accidents do happen. There must be preparation for the day she comes to the knowledge that I adore her. There might be a confrontation. What do I say then?
"Yeah. I do like you. Your kind, gentle, passionate... You inspire me to live better, you know? I've seen how strong you can be and how much capacity of love you have for others. I'm truly blessed to know you, and I'm delighted to have you as a friend. I can't deny, I want more than that, but you know what? I want to respect you. If it makes you happy that we are friends, I say: Praise God. If your heart belongs to another, I say: Praise God. That's why I didn't pursue you. That's why I didn't want to tell you how I felt. I'm blessed enough that you talk to me, smile at me. I was praying all these while for God to keep my motives pure. I can't help but be nice to you, because I truly desire you to be happy, nothing else.
My greatest fear is losing you as a friend. I hope things won't get awkward between us, but I think it'll be... Just... don't be a stranger to me ok? God will sort out my thoughts I'm sure.
OK?"
One, a man in a relationship. He, being a man after God's heart, will understand how pursuing a Godly relationship is like. His advice and counsel will be most valuable.
Another, her best friend. Well, need I say more? She was the one who enlightened me how SHE feels for me: that she regards me merely as a friend. Which was expected, which, by God's grace, I was able to recieve calmly. More on this later.
Finally, my close friend. Someone I can pour out to, someone I can find release.
She treats me as a friend. Should I be broken? Nay, I say. She is still my friend! Indeed, I treasure our friendship. That she should smile and talk to me, I am contented. True, I do desire intimacy with her, but giving in to these desires would only jeopardize my friendship with her. It would make things awkward between us, and, that is a strict no-no.
I pray to God each day to keep my motives pure. I pray my motivation to be nice to her stems only from my desire to see her happy, not for any sinful or selfish self-gratification. Let me focus not on her physical beauty (of which she can surely boast of), but of these:
Her strength, her optimism and her enthusiasm to live this Godly life; these endears me greatly to her. Her kindness and gentleness, given by God to accentuate her womanly charms. Her sensitivity to the pain within others, her encouraging spirit. Her persistence and calmness in the face of adversity.
She is my friend. And if all she wants from is friendship, then I say: God be praised. If her heart does go to another, yet again I will say: God be praised. It is God's divine will, of which is good and perfect, of which I should have the utmost faith in. May this man who takes her be able to respect her and cherish her and provide for her... So unlike me, a wastrel, so undeserving of her.
Coming back, telling people my feelings is risky business. Though these are people I trust, accidents do happen. There must be preparation for the day she comes to the knowledge that I adore her. There might be a confrontation. What do I say then?
"Yeah. I do like you. Your kind, gentle, passionate... You inspire me to live better, you know? I've seen how strong you can be and how much capacity of love you have for others. I'm truly blessed to know you, and I'm delighted to have you as a friend. I can't deny, I want more than that, but you know what? I want to respect you. If it makes you happy that we are friends, I say: Praise God. If your heart belongs to another, I say: Praise God. That's why I didn't pursue you. That's why I didn't want to tell you how I felt. I'm blessed enough that you talk to me, smile at me. I was praying all these while for God to keep my motives pure. I can't help but be nice to you, because I truly desire you to be happy, nothing else.
My greatest fear is losing you as a friend. I hope things won't get awkward between us, but I think it'll be... Just... don't be a stranger to me ok? God will sort out my thoughts I'm sure.
OK?"
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