The Final Act, The Curtain Closing and The Lingering Wave

Finally, finally, finally...



It seems like I'm walking out of a mist, and now into the clear. Where I used to languish in hopeless wandering, the path is set, as if gravel, cement and stone piled themselves magically before me, bidding me forward unto a future I can tangibly grasp.



As it is now, the memories are fresh. The picture of me, deep in apprehension, hunching towards the parade square after goodbyes to my loved ones, is fresh indeed. Like a painting immortalized, I see me digging amongst endless heaps of soil, all soggy and wet from the unrelenting rain, praying at the same time to God for release.



I see me staring quizzically at the screen which instructed me where to go: SISPEC. And now, I play the memory of me, filled with the experience and training, marching through the distances, battling the demons within me. And the all-too-familiar hunch I'd adopt, as I'd grudgingly make my way, with weight in tow, to Charlie company. But deeply imprinted in me, were the kind approval and pride my family and friends had, as they strode up to me to fix my rank unto my arms.



Then came a time of newness, a time of great learning. A difficult time indeed. Dare I say, more than any other experience in my army life. I cringe at the moments of persecution, of unrest. I sigh whenever I replay that moment in my head, where my tongue moved faster than my mind, where labels were almost literally branded upon me.



Yes, these are all past. In an environment different from any other I have experienced, I have come through, and I hope for myself, I have been bettered.



Though, the cynical self seem to speak louder, as he has always done. He judges me and tells me how readily I've fallen, how easily I am swayed. In this place so seemingly of any spirituality, I have abandoned my beliefs. I had thought, by not caring, were making moral choices so much easier. Yet I know in me this cannot be. For a man of God must strive, he must persevere. In his time of testing, he must trust in the Holy One. Yet the contrary is what I've done and, with my human thought and perception, I struggle wondering if God can ever forgive me.



My sins are numerous. I have slandered, lied, hated, lusted, lazed... They are endless. Has Jesus died for every one of these sins?



God forgive sins. He has sent his son Jesus Christ to die. With his death, our sins are paid for: past, present and future. I believe in a God full of compassion and mercy. I believe also in a God who angers and punishes. I have no defense, only guilt and sin.



Yet he forgives. For His love endures forever.



It is hard to make sense of the senseless, as it has been for the past 2 years. The SAF is a unique organization indeed, where rank means power. There is no questioning, no doubting the orders given by a person of superior rank. True, in wartime, soldiers cannot afford to slow orders by questioning their leaders' judgement. Yet, we are in peacetime, and often, alot of things, alot of orders, alot of practices put into place, alot of punishment hardly make sense.

Why, I wonder, did God put me here? What purpose? I know God likes to put His children through and experiences to better them. So what is the learning point here.

I guess I haven't been the most faithful of Christians. It didn't take too long for me to be consumed by my environment. This environment, which carries about it so much negativity and so devoid of spirituality, stripped me bare. It broke me. What it produced in me was a carnal, sinful, instinctive man who acted based upon his own skewed judgement. And what I didn't realise was the emptiness in me. I persisted in my behaviour and wondered in vain why do bad things always happen to me?

But as it goes, I am broken to be rebuilt. God has shown me my frailities. He has let me know my weaknessess. He has opened my eyes and has begun to refill the empty pits in my heart. He has strengthened me with joy and the knowledge of his grace and victory.

I leave soon with that in mind. God has prepared me for the working life. God has inspired me to let him lead, to let the Spirit take control, to submit to His will, to live my life with joy no matter what.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

- Proverbs 3:5-6