Well, it's back to THAT again...

...no, i'm feeling depressed or anything... i'm just.. slightly vexed or anxious.. over my feelings for her...

See, i'm still quite proud of myself, having been able to control my emotions and not obssess over her too greatly that it affects my daily life. I'm not too depressed that I want to do anything stupid to change the relationship I have with her now.

I have self-restrain. I won't say alot. There are still times I dream about her like a little boy in puppy love. But I often stop myself. I wanna be rational when it comes to her. Sure, these little butterflies in my stomach kinda feeling is kinda nice (but hurts at the same time) but they are pointless. Being in a relationship has the same amount of mind and heart.

I still wanna respect where she wants our relations to go. I'm happy to remain as friends. I still want to leave the decision to her. I don wan things to be awkward, ever. I want to keep praying about it. I want to seek God's will. It's not easy. But hey, it's worth it.

I am open to the fact that she treats me no more like a friend. And I'm not totally shunning the concept that she may never wants anything more than that ever. I'm also readying myself that she may give her heart to another. And that's ALL ok by me. God is in control. SHE is in control of her choices, and her heart. What I, or we, as men pursuing the woman, ought to do, is to focus on bettering ourselves as worthy partners in life. We ought to be ourselves, not to wayang, and let her fit herselves to us, letting her make the choice as to who is suitable for her.

Of course, our intention should never to make ourselves better men so that she would desire us. Rather, our focus must be on God. For He is our first love. He brought us into this family. He was the one who first loved us. Not any girl.

But one thing i'd like to talk about... She's back to work now... So that means she has lesser time for friends. So that means fewer opportunities for me to talk to her. (Not that I talk to her much when we meet... sure there are the nice times where we play the guitar together, the very rare msn conversations, facebook and whatnot...) It's hard to be away from her. It's a normal reaction I guess. And i'm not completely bummed out. The issue is this:

I want her to keep noticing me. I mean, yeah, every guy wants his girl to think of him, notice him, talk to him, approach him VOLUNTARILY. Thing is now, there's no reason we should have anything to do with each other. So there's no way I can keep the impression of good ol' pete in her mind.

Then again: Should this be the case?

Like I said, the focus will be on God. According to His Word, he is OK with us getting into relationships and getting hitched and whatnot. Yeah, our attention will be divided somewhat, but if we are suffering in passion, we ought to just get it over and done with.

You know what? Your new year resolution includes wanting to have more faith in God right?

Then trust God on this one. Go away from thinking about her. That means sieze yourself from trying to plan what to do, or dreaming about her, or what. Just be her friend. Just let your heart readjust your attitude to her as a friend.

Read the Word. Study the Word not for her, but for God. Because, if God wants you to be with her, He'll create the circumstance. I'm so sure of that.

Matthew 6:33"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;and all these things shall be added unto you."

Enough said. God has given me this direction. Onwards and upwards!