Heart to heart...

... with William Ng.

I poured it out from a heavy heart that lasted the morning and into the better half of the afternoon.

I poured it all out and I meant what I said: I like her for who she is. I like her for her godliness, for her goodness. I like her for her comforting spirit and her caring soul.

William laid it all down for me: She's gotta be a good Christian first, someone who loves God more than me. Check. She's gotta have a personality that I enjoy. Check. We gotta be comfortable as friends.

There lays a dilemma.

We always hang out in groups. Except for the odd sms, our exchanges are superficial at best. Are we comfortable as friends? I don't know about me, but I'm wierd around her. I mean, you can't help but be wierd around the girl that you adore right?

So why don't we hang out one-on-one.

First of all, what makes you think you can get her out alone?

Second of all, what's your objective for doing that? Sure, you get her all to yourself. No one's there to compete for her attention. But there are certain risks you face.

1. She has no one else to give attention to. You will start percieving that as something good, that you are winning her heart and whatnot. Truth is, SHE HAS NO ONE TO GIVE ATTENTION TO.

2. You will start wanting to advance the relationship beyond what it is now. Shall I elaborate? No. You know what I'm talking about. Of course you do. You're me. And you're insane.

3. The relationship MAY advance to something beyond what it is now. Which isn't what you intended do you? You want to seek God's guidance.

I think.... just chill. There's really NO NEED to ask her out on a date or anything like that. There are so many things you can find out just by being in a group:

1. What she shares. Her experiences and her thoughts. How did she react? How does she feel about someone or something?

2. How she talks to people. Her family, her friends, even to strangers. Do they differ? Does she treat her friends nice and her folks poorly? Does she have strong opinions about certain types of people?

3. And many more. (Yeah I've run out of reasons)

AND there are many questions I can ask her within a group and it'll sound completely platonic and reasonable:

- So what made you recieve Christ?
- How's Summer's walk?
- Her boyfriend?
- Your parents not Christian right?
- Were they OK with your being a Christian at first?
- How's your Dad like?
- Your Mum?
- You and Summer close?
- Your relationship getting better now?
- What made you want to become a teacher?
- I bet the kids are hard to handle?
- What kind of teacher are you?
- Any real problem child?
- And so on.

It's also time to rationalize how her character and your character can click.

And please, be objective.

First, to describe her. First impression, she's a little quiet, a little ditzy. She's really not mean to people. And she really has a heart for God. She's sporty, she's one of the three girls that joins us for sports. And she enjoys doing sports on her own time as well. She has a heart for children, evident from her blog, her being in kids camp, her being a teacher. She seemed to have an... exciting past. She really pulled off that ah lian look. She looks like she clubs every weekend. Tongue stud. Wow. She's quite the introspective girl. As ditzy as she may be, she seems to think alot about her life and where she's going with it. This again is evident from her blog.

*Interlude*

Yes i know, it's kinda... unreliable to judge a person by his/her blog. But then, it is A LOT of words. That makes sense when read together. These are compositions of well-thought-out thoughts. So there.

*Commercial break over*

And now, me.

I'm an idiot. And yes, i'm being very objective. OK, being fair to me. I have a sense of humor that is best describe as needy and awkward. I thrive on bullying the weak and the clueless. I am lazy. In my head, I know there needs to be a lot of important things to be done. But I just don't get around to it. I'm a pessimist, I live in negativity, I don't believe in positivity as it never prepares you for the impending hardships of life. I constantly stunt my own growth, be it spiritually or vocationally by sucummbing to my lackadaisical approach to life. I'm a Christian that lives on Christ just for His blessings, recieving which, I forget about Him and go on with my life, until the next hurdle comes my way I begin to lament on the dubious presence of an invisible God. My faith is ever shaken, is ever trodden, is the seed laid amongst thorns. My sense of urgency is irrelvant in my principles. I have the innate ability to be lazy when opportunity is shoved down my throat. I'm never serious when it is appropriate to be so. I'm a curse to everyone around me. I'm eccentric, my utterances derails every significant conversation. I'm ill at ease even when attempts are made to put me at east. I'm an introvert, a faux extrovert, only desiring the attention of everyone, feeding on them to make myself feel wanted and important. I'm a lout, i'm a freak, a jerk, an ingrate dullard who deserves nothing more to be cooked deep within the deepest pits of hell.

And yes. I have a poor opinion about myself.

Compare the two now and tell me: Does HE deserve HER? Hardly. Hardly indeed.

How unfair then it'll be if the two does indeed find each other?

Surely, that, then, is a work from God.

Ah thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Alas, fatigue envelopes my mind, and also hangs the prospect of returning to camp.