Time Crawls...

In charlie, you can't breathe.

Usually, it takes a week or two for me to be "broken in". Not charlie. You'll never feel at home here. Here, where the commanders make sure you know your worthless.

It's not that I always have a problem with authorithy. I only naturally react this way to bad leadership. To say that i don't have a problem with charlie would be a lie. Then again, to say that i have a problem with charlie... would be utterly useless.. pointless.

We have leaders who hound you at every turn, never giving you space. Though it can be seen his intentions are for good, even villians think they are saving the world. All he does is promote an environment of fear. Yeah maybe he does have super powers: the ability to teleport, or to clone himself, cause he's bloody everywhere. In the cookhouse, by the corridors of our bunks (on the 4th floor), and, best of all, in the bloody medical center. How the fuck does he do that? You get no fucking peace. And he's always waving confinments and extras when your ever-so-slightly out of conduct. Nothing strikes more fear into the hearts of trainees then the thought of confinement or signing extras. The trainees can't help themselves, and the commanders know that all too well.

We have leaders who's, to say the least, incapable to do their jobs well. One really wonders, how the hell did they get to where they are today? How have they impressed their superiors when i can hardly see a single leader quality in them? Their disorganization is shameful, and because of that, when things are messed up, whose fault is it? Trainees' fault, of course. "Idiots!", he calls out, when we fail to get in line in the dark before he hastily orders us to report our strength. "Idiots!", he calls us, when we drag our feet after a full day of walking and running, when he's sitting on his field chair having a smoke. Sure name calling's all sticks and stones... But when your tired and vulnerable, an unjustified label on you is the last thing you want.

We have leaders who's first instinct to trainees are that they are untamed mongrels with half-brains. So what do we do with such species? Shout at them of course. Wave tasty-looking bones in front of them to get them to work, and when they're done, throw away the bone and lock us back in our cages. Never mind that because of their inability, information doesn't get passed around, so if the trainees are fucking clueless, it's their fucking fault for not finding out. Never mind that they have done nothing to gain our respect, but it's OK to make speeches about how if trainees want to be respected, they have to earn it.

If there's ever any one thing to learn from them, is that they are the best negative examples of leaders you can find. They encompass every attribute that constantly stifle a organization they head: Enormous egos, inpatience, arrogance, self-righteousness, selfishness and the unwillingness to suffer along with their men. Fuck them. Fuck what ever that's on their shoulders.

It's not like i don't try. I do. I try to think my situation to death. I try the "serve and fuck-off" approach. But that didn't work. My resolve wears thin. The fucking-off part seems ever so far away. I try the "you'll be a sergeant soon and things will go swimmingly after that" perception. But that's only when you go back to Tekong. Sgts are kings there. Elsewhere, they're a bunch of fucks. And the way things are i won't be anywhere near Tekong come the end of it all.

So i guess the best way is just to not give a single shit. To be a fucking zombie. To remove myself completely from there. To be souless, mindless. To fall into a slumber, a nightmare, where at least while your suffering, the suffering's surreal. This way, you don't have to feel, you don't have to care, you wake up in sweat and wonder 'what the fuck just happened', then smile because it's over and you slept through it. Cause i care too much: how this guy treats you, what that guy did the other day. Who cares?

I'm like that now... I know im not in a good place... I know i need to talk to God... I need to go back to Him... That maybe He'll help me make some sense out of this... But i never know how to talk to Him... I never know how to go beyond "He loves you and died for you" to the "God will help you if you have FAITH in Him."

I can't imagine the shame He must feel for me. How i treat Him like such. Like how removed He is from my life. I mean, I do believe in the cross, and how He died for my sins, it's just the rest of it all.. How to live life with Him. Cause I never do. I never include Him. Well maybe never's a bit harsh, but seriously, when I ask myself, have i ever truly went through a full experience with Him there, always leading me? Have i ever went back to Him each day, asking Him what He thinks, and what I should do tommorrow, what I shouldn't do? I can't say yes.

I'm alone. And the messed up thing about me is that I tell myself I'm not. That I have friends, good ones. No i don't. No one ever calls me. There's no one whom i can connect with... Well... there's her... but...

I'll just stop here... I'm tired... Damn this sucks...